A book I read several months ago, and which has remained on my mind until I reread it this week, is by Trappist monk William Meninger. In this contemplative work, he gently but firmly challenges the reader to honestly face the reality of pain and the grace of God, which is to be reflected in our own lives. He outlines a process (modeled on 5 "stages") of moving toward healing. In this post, I will list these stages and reflect on their application to our experiences as we seek to model a Christ-like lifestyle of authentic forgiveness.
Meninger refers to his first stage as "Claiming the Hurt," and it can also be referred to as "moving beyond denial." Living a "lifestyle of Christian forgiveness" can too often lead us to gloss over real pain, moving to "I forgive you, of course!" before we have even allowed the reality of hurt to be fully realized within our mind and spirit. This shallow expression of "grace" is, in my opinion, as ineffective as treating a laceration to deep tissue with sutures only on the surface of the skin. Any foreign material, infection etc. remains deep within. "Healing" hasn't happened, but the damage continues and grows beyond what it would have if the wound was honestly appraised and effectively addressed. In the same way, denial of pain and insincerely expressed "forgiveness" can actually be more detrimental to long-term emotional and spiritual health than would the conflict we often shy away from. Hurt which is denied is frequently unable to heal.
Denial of hurts we may have received can be dangerous. Dwelling on hurt for a prolonged period is also harmful to our own emotional and spiritual health, and toxic to relationships. Moving through a process of forgiveness naturally leads to a realization that we are also part of most hurtful circumstances. Self-blame is also a common coping mechanism: My parent, pastor, spouse or other "caring" figure should love me and want to care for me: if they inflict pain, it must be "something I did." A healthy perspective on guilt acknowledges our own culpability without accepting blame for other's actions. We must acknowledge what has been done, and by whom, to move toward healing.
After claiming the hurt, and honestly appraising guilt and culpability, acknowledgment of "victim" status can occur. As Meninger states, "It was done, it hurt, you did not do it, someone else did. It was beyond your control (59)." This stage can plunge self-esteem, and functions as a cry for help. Support groups, close friends and family can serve as helpful resources to work through this step.
Unfortunately, too many of us remain "victims" and allow hurt to mark our attitudes and behavior for months and years. We may always be the manager passed over for the promotion, the spouse who was betrayed, or the abused child and fail ourselves by permitting this to become our primary identity. Do you know "victims" in your circle? Do you want to remain in relationship with them indefinitely, if they continue to sap energy from every interaction without apparent movement toward wholeness? We have all given and received hurt. Personal growth involves accepting, and then moving beyond victimized status.
The fourth stage Meninger details is "anger." Many folks are reluctanct to express anger. Perhaps we have had loved ones lash out in anger, and inflict wounds on our psyche which remain raw today. This experience can lead to hypersensitivity to giving or receiving angry reactions. Or, sincere religious convictions may lead us to desire offering "patience," "charity," and other desirable traits. Isn't a harsh word or angry outburst "sinful" and wrong?
Anger is an emotion I have personally struggled with for as long as I can remember. I did see anger expressed (sometimes in unhealthy patterns) in my family of origin, and know the shame of overreacting and unleashing a torrent of hurtful words and actions on several occasions. Nevertheless, anger is an emotion which is common to humanity. One passage of scripture I often reflect on, and which speaks directly to this reflection, is Ephesians 4:25-26:
Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor,
for we are members of one another.
Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.
"Be angry, and sin not" clearly delineates the emotion of anger from volitional acts of sin. Feeling angry is not wrong. Expressing anger is also acceptable- if the expression is aligned with honesty, self-discipline and love for those around us. In fact, anger is an emotion which can propel us and those around us to change behaviors and attitudes. Anger functions as an emotional signal; just as nerve cells transmit pain signals to the brain, indicating injury or illness, emotions can also signal "pay attention! something is wrong, and must be addressed." Meninger insightfully notes that "anger has its place. But if we do not rule it, it will rule us."
The final stage of the process of forgiveness is "Wholeness." After claiming the hurt, understanding guilt, recognizing victimhood, and expressing anger, the wound is healing and we are prepared to live forgiveness from the heart. As we forgive others, we recognize that we also receive forgiveness and grace: from God, and frequently from others in our world as well.
The most dramatic example of forgiveness I have seen in recent decades is the encounter between Pope John Paul II and his would-be assassin, Mehmet Agca. ( http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,952295,00.html )
While any forgiveness each of us may receive or offer is founded in the grace of God, my prayer is that we will reflect similar grace to all those around us. Living a life of forgiveness cannot fail to change our world.
