The Process of Forgiveness

One common expectation in Christian communities is the need to offer and receive forgiveness.  In probably the most frequently recited prayer, we repeat "forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." Less frequently, however, do we pause to consider how to forgive, especially when hurt goes deep within our hearts.

A book I read several months ago, and which has remained on my mind until I reread it this week, is by Trappist monk William Meninger.  In this contemplative work, he gently but firmly challenges the reader to honestly face the reality of pain and the grace of God, which is to be reflected in our own lives. He outlines a process (modeled on 5 "stages") of moving toward healing. In this post, I will list these stages and reflect on their application to our experiences as we seek to model a Christ-like lifestyle of authentic forgiveness.

Meninger refers to his first stage as "Claiming the Hurt," and it can also be referred to as "moving beyond denial." Living a "lifestyle of Christian forgiveness" can too often lead us to gloss over real pain, moving to "I forgive you, of course!" before we have even allowed the reality of hurt to be fully realized within our mind and spirit.  This shallow expression of "grace" is, in my opinion, as ineffective as treating a laceration to deep tissue with sutures only on the surface of the skin.  Any foreign material, infection etc. remains deep within. "Healing" hasn't happened, but the damage continues and grows beyond what it would have if the wound was honestly appraised and effectively addressed.  In the same way, denial of pain and insincerely expressed "forgiveness" can actually be more detrimental to long-term emotional and spiritual health than would the conflict we often shy away from.  Hurt which is denied is frequently unable to heal.

Denial of hurts we may have received can be dangerous.  Dwelling on hurt for a prolonged period is also harmful to our own emotional and spiritual health, and toxic to relationships. Moving through a process of forgiveness naturally leads to a realization that we are also part of most hurtful circumstances. Self-blame is also a common coping mechanism: My parent, pastor, spouse or other "caring" figure should love me and want to care for me: if they inflict pain, it must be "something I did." A healthy perspective on guilt acknowledges our own culpability without accepting blame for other's actions. We must acknowledge what has been done, and by whom, to move toward healing.

After claiming the hurt, and honestly appraising guilt and culpability, acknowledgment of "victim" status can occur.  As Meninger states, "It was done, it hurt, you did not do it, someone else did. It was beyond your control (59)." This stage can plunge self-esteem, and functions as a cry for help. Support groups, close friends and family can serve as helpful resources to work through this step.

Unfortunately, too many of us remain "victims" and allow hurt to mark our attitudes and behavior for months and years.  We may always be the manager passed over for the promotion, the spouse who was betrayed, or the abused child and fail ourselves by permitting this to become our primary identity.  Do you know "victims" in your circle? Do you want to remain in relationship with them indefinitely, if they continue to sap energy from every interaction without apparent movement toward wholeness? We have all given and received hurt. Personal growth involves accepting, and then moving beyond victimized status.

The fourth stage Meninger details is "anger." Many folks are reluctanct to express anger.  Perhaps we have had loved ones lash out in anger, and inflict wounds on our psyche which remain raw today.  This experience can lead to hypersensitivity to giving or receiving angry reactions.  Or, sincere religious convictions may lead us to desire offering "patience," "charity," and other desirable traits.  Isn't a harsh word or angry outburst "sinful" and wrong?

Anger is an emotion I have personally struggled with for as long as I can remember.  I did see anger expressed (sometimes in unhealthy patterns) in my family of origin, and know the shame of overreacting and unleashing a torrent of hurtful words and actions on several occasions. Nevertheless, anger is an emotion which is common to humanity.  One passage of scripture I often reflect on, and which speaks directly to this reflection, is Ephesians 4:25-26:

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor,

for we are members of one another.

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

"Be angry, and sin not" clearly delineates the emotion of anger from volitional acts of sin. Feeling angry is not wrong. Expressing anger is also acceptable- if the expression is aligned with honesty, self-discipline and love for those around us.  In fact, anger is an emotion which can propel us and those around us to change behaviors and attitudes. Anger functions as an emotional signal; just as nerve cells transmit pain signals to the brain, indicating injury or illness, emotions can also signal "pay attention! something is wrong, and must be addressed." Meninger insightfully notes that "anger has its place. But if we do not rule it, it will rule us."

The final stage of the process of forgiveness is "Wholeness." After claiming the hurt, understanding guilt, recognizing victimhood, and expressing anger, the wound is healing and we are prepared to live forgiveness from the heart. As we forgive others, we recognize that we also receive forgiveness and grace: from God, and frequently from others in our world as well.

The most dramatic example of forgiveness I have seen in recent decades is the encounter between Pope John Paul II and his would-be assassin, Mehmet Agca. ( http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,952295,00.html )

While any forgiveness each of us may receive or offer is founded in the grace of God, my prayer is that we will reflect similar grace to all those around us.  Living a life of forgiveness cannot fail to change our world.

Religion, Secularism and America's Founding and Culture: a brief reflection

As a history and politics buff, as well as healthcare chaplain, one frequent topic of discussion and reflection I enjoy is the role of faith in American culture, from colonial times to the current time.  The most recent book I have read on this topic is by a Jewish author and journalist, Bruce Feiler.  "America's Prophet: Moses and the American Story" traces his exploration of the integration of this Jewish deliverer into the American culture. Examples are provided from the Mayflower to the campaign speeches of our current President, Barack Obama, with multiple references between.

This particular book provided the motivation to reflect once more on a topic I have considered frequently, and I will highlight examples from this book as well as other sources.  Much of my thought is captured, however, in one illuminating quote from Feiler's book:

"American culture really has two souls.

And it's not a question of whether the culture becomes secularized.

The culture never becomes one thing or the other. The culture is always two.

The culture is always William Bradford and Jonathan Edwards.

The culture is always Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison.

America was born just in time to have two mentalities.

We are like Jacob and Esau struggling in the womb.

Secular people want to believe that we are a nation of the Enlightenment,

and because of the Founding Fathers and the Constitution

that secularism with supersede religion.

Religious people want to believe that through the revival

religion will supersede secularism.  And both are wrong....

There will continue to be a constant dynamic and tension between the two,

running side by side. And they're going to keep on being about that

for as long as there's an American identity worth talking about."

(P. 167, quotation of Professor Allen Guelzo, Gettysburg College).

As Pilgrims traveled to the New World aboard the Mayflower, William Bradford compared their mission to "Moses and the Isrealites when they went out of Egypt (p.8)." Throughout the early years of the American colonies, and as the settlers an ocean away from their political leadership developed into a nation with a distinct identity, faith continued to be a central element of political and cultural ferment. Freedom and independence was highly prized; the entanglement of ecclesiastical and political leadership was (often rightly) criticized; and yet, religion continued to serve as an organizing principle for the cultural ethos of the infant nation.

Within the colony of Pennsylvania, the Assembly voted in 1751 to procure a bell for their State House. Part of the inscription their speaker, William Norris, requested was a passage from Leviticus 25:10- "Proclaim Liberty thro' all the Land to all the Inhabitants Thereof." Of course, this bell would later become known as the "Liberty Bell."

One early draft of a seal for the new nation was proposed by a committee consisting of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams.  It also contained Mosaic imagery:



http://www.greatseal.com/committees/firstcomm/

This seal was not officially adopted, but can serve as a useful reference point for some of the contemporary thought in the founding years of the American republic.

Comparisons of influential American leaders to Moses continued through American culture.  After Lincoln's death, popular preacher Henry Ward Beecher compared him to Moses in his eulogy by referring to Dueteronomy.  He noted parallels including seeing the "promised land" but being unable to personally enter, and freeing slaves from bondage.  Parallels continue to be drawn even in contemporary times, with Martin Luther King Jr. proclaiming the night before his death that he had "been to the mountaintop," and had seen "the promised land." During the 2008 presidential election, candidates Clinton and Obama (and probably others as well) made references to Egypt and Moses.

Many people make the (in my opinion) mistaken conclusion that the early American leaders preferred a public square devoid of religious imagery and influence.  But if this is true, why is the visage of Moses featured prominently in the architecture of the Supreme Court of the United States? And if the name of God is not to be uttered in public facilities such as schools, administrative buildings and offices, why were church services held within the House of Representatives, with both Thomas Jefferson and James Madison attending such services during their time in office?  http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/religion/rel06-2.html  It is my belief that the actual goal of early leaders in proclaiming freedom of religion in the new nation was aimed primarily at preventing the abuses of power they had observed in Europe near their own time, with incestous power relationships between churches and kings.  In America, you could worship God according to the dictates of conscience and personal conviction, with the attendant freedom not to worship simultaneously protected.

I think it is difficult to read colonial history thoroughly and argue convincingly that the prevailing thought of the founders was "anti-religious," with the goal of preventing any mention of faith in public settings.  On the other hand, several individuals were very critical of religious leadership, and our republic is in several ways a unique experiment in secular political leadership, carefully insulated from ecclesiastical hierarchy.  Religious leaders who attempt to draw parallels between influential founders and contemporary conservative/evangelical views also err, in my view.

One of the blessings that I value most highly as an American citizen is the freedom to worship God as I choose, based on my own heritage, study of sacred literature, and experience as part of a worshiping community. I hope that those around me can see the influence of faith in my words and actions.

I also hope that people who believe/live differently than I do can experience mutual respect, and the freedom to seek God and values which inform their lives in accordance with their own convictions.

Christian Masculinity: Wisdom

This post will be the final entry in this series on Christian masculinity, with today's reflection focused on the concept of "Wisdom."  Wisdom is a very broad category, with multiple angles to discuss as we seek to understand what it means and how to apply it in one's life.  I hope to share a few thoughts regarding how living a life with wisdom can enable a Christian man to find meaning, purpose, and fulfillment,  and to live with greater joy and fewer regrets than by carelessly taking each day as it comes.

My current devotional reading is also focused on wisdom from Scripture.  I have read through the Bible several times, and recently chose a reading plan which consists of reading through the Psalms and Proverbs multiple times over the course of a year.  Today's reading included Proverbs 8, and v. 11 speaks directly to this topic:

"For wisdom is better than jewels;

and all desirable things cannot compare with her. (NASB)"

What is wisdom?  In my opinion, wisdom can best be defined as the ability to apply knowledge to life in a manner which utilizes life experience, spiritual insight and critical forethought about likely outcomes of actions taken. Wisdom is much more than knowledge.  In my work in healthcare chaplaincy, a common experience is facing circumstances when we can offer a powerful medication or surgical treatment to extend life (and sometimes simply to prolong death)- but, based on prognosis and likely outcome, and the values of the patient and family, should we intubate, offer CPR, etc.?  Knowledge alone is often inadequate.  Life experience can also be inadequate.  Another example from my vocational history is encountering patients who are very anxious about a relatively common and safe procedure such as cardiac catheterization.  Discussion sometimes reveals that they had a family member undergo a similar procedure, and then develop complications and die.  Life experience alone can lead to decisions which are weighted heavily by isolated occurrences rather than balanced logic. Multiple other scenarios can be offered to enlighten the discussion, but I would simply like to offer the concept of "wisdom" as an overarching term to describe using knowledge, spiritual insight, etc. to guide an approach to living well.

Throughout my reflections on Christian masculinity, I have used examples from the life of Joseph to illustrate concepts of compassion, faith and courage.  I believe Matthew 2:19-23 also illustrates obedience and wisdom in the life of Jesus' earthly father figure.  Herod had died, and Joseph receives a dream telling him to return to Israel.  As he journeyed home, he integrated information about political leadership to guide his change in direction to live in Nazareth:

"But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning over Judea in the place of his father Herod,

he was afraid to go there.  Then after being warned by God in a dream,

he left for the regions of Galilee, and came and lived in a city called Nazareth.

This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophets:

'He shall be called a Nazarene.'"

(Mt. 2:22-23, NASB)

Despite my preferences, life does not consistently move along in a predictable and orderly fashion.  I would like to be able to face vocational choices, relational conflict, and financial difficulty with unquestioned clarity about "This is precisely what you should do next." Unfortunately, that doesn't happen very often in my experience.  However, I think that reality helps me to develop and grow into the man God has called me to be.  My children are not yet adults, but I take much more pleasure in seeing my teens make good decisions on their own volition than I would by directing each of their steps as a "helicopter parent," hovering and making simple decisions for them. (They would also push me aside if I tried!) I hope they will learn and develop into young adults who can choose their own path through life with faith, wisdom and decreasing support from parental influence. My belief is that God guides our lives in a similar way, rarely breaking in with dramatically specific guidance at crucial turning points.  In many of the day-to-day decisions, I am convinced, God leaves men and women to read Scriptural truth, live in relationship with other believers, and learn to apply truth to life circumstance.  I would like to believe God often cheers from the sidelines of the "arena" of human experience, celebrating when we decide to sacrifice for the good of others and waiting to pick us up when we fail. Life is a challenge and adventure: The "abundant life" includes risk and reward, rather than safety and boring predictability.  Wisdom involves applying learned principles to life situations, with the hope of reflecting joyfully in the sunset of a life well lived- and even into eternity.

Christian Masculinity: Courage

In this post, I will continue discussing Christian masculinity with an exploration of courage.  What does it mean for a man of faith to live courageously?  What does courage look like in everyday life?

I believe Joseph demonstrated courage by example early in the life of Jesus. Joseph took his young, pregnant bride to his ancestral home in Bethlehem for the census required by Roman authorities.  After Jesus' birth, accounts are given of various visitors coming to worship him, and news began to travel of his existence. He posed a threat to existing political authorities, and Herod planned to kill the young boy. Matthew 2:13-14 outlined Joseph's obedient action in quickly traveling to another country to preserve Jesus' life:

"13  Now when they had gone, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, "Get up! Take the Child and His mother and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you; for Herod is going to search for the Child to destroy Him."

14  So Joseph got up and took the Child and His mother while it was still night, and left for Egypt."

Joseph apparently moved his young family immediately, taking dramatic action to ensure their safety in response to divine instruction.  He may have never been outside of his own country previously, and certainly did not have the opportunity to plan carefully for the transition of his home, business etc.  A threat appeared, direction was given, and Joseph moved.

Again, our own lives today are usually not this dramatic.  No dream has ever told me what state to move to, or which position to apply for or accept (though I am convinced that I have received less dramatic direction in some of my vocational transitions).  Courage is required, however, to live a faithful life in contrast to societal influences and internal conflicts.  Sacrifices are frequently called for in life, to live up to the ideals of our faith and the responsibilities accompanying many of the privileges we enjoy.  Passing up a promotion which would bring more power and money, but would prevent a father from being fully invested in the lives of a family with adolescent children, is an act of courage.  Acknowledging a history of alcoholism or sex addiction, and choosing to be accountable to a close friend when on a business trip, is also a courageous act. Many other examples could be cited, from the mundane choices made on a weekly basis to "once in a lifetime" events which have large repercussions in personal, family and community settings.

I have been considering two illustrations from cinema and  literature while meditating on the meaning of courage.  In the movie "The Last Samurai," Tom Cruise portrays a soldier who engages in battle with reckless effectiveness.  On multiple occasions, he rises to the challenge of surviving close calls and surprises those around him with his skill and determined abandon.  Toward the end of the movie, he is talking to the son of a samurai he killed in an earlier battle, but he has now grown close to the samurai's family.  The boy admits that he would be afraid to die in battle.  Cruise's character replies that he would also be afraid. The boy says "but you have been in many battles," and he responds "... and I was always afraid." Courage is choosing to act on our values, convictions and beliefs even when we are unsure of the outcome.  Courage enables a man to press on, after suffering losses or when uncertainty threatens to rob him of the initiative and drive which could lead to success.  I am convinced that courage is one central element to living as a mature Christian man, and its importance is highlighted in a quote by the Spanish writer Miguel de Cervantes:

"He who loses wealth loses much; he who loses a friend loses more; but he who loses his courage loses all."

Christian Masculinity: Faith

In this entry, I am continuing to explore Christian masculinity with a reflection on the power of faith to guide and sustain man for a lifetime.  We all need something to believe in, and I have witnessed (and experienced!) the power of something breaking into one's mortal existence in a transformative manner to change the course of a life.  I am convinced that we need an understanding of connection to a greater reality to give life meaning: simply turning oxygen into CO2, seeking to avoid pain and experience pleasure, and accumulating stuff with the goal of winning by "dying with the most toys" is a pointless existence.  Faith gives a target to aim the trajectory of one's lifetime at a purpose and goal (utilizing "telos," in Aristotle's terminology).  In my life and work, I have encountered various definitions of faith.  My favorite conception remains based on the work of James Fowler, depicting an overall understanding of faith as one's way of leaning into and making sense of life, and composed of an overarching system of images, commitments and values guiding one's life.  On a more personal and religious level, faith is to me a commitment of my life into the hand of a God who loves me and calls me to live out His will in my mortal existence.  I trust that the teachings and experiences guiding my daily choices are grounded in true wisdom from One who knows me and is working to bring me along a pathway to abundant life today, and into eternity.  A verse which has been personally meaningful to me when seeking to live with a "long" view of daily choices is found in Hebrews 11:27b, "for he endured, as seeing Him who is unseen (NASB)."

Perhaps it can be seen as arrogance, living a life convinced that God sees and cares about the actions and thoughts of one individual among billions of people living on planet Earth.  Does God even exist? And how do we know that He is an intelligent, caring and active being? These are deep and abiding questions, and very difficult to answer to the satisfaction of the modern mind exposed to a sophisticated dependence on technology, science and "provable" statements. One one level, these questions cannot be adequately answered.  God does not appear for interviews on network TV shows to answer questions about His existence and being, or submit to laboratory analysis and experimentation.  By definition, "supernatural" events necessarily defy the laws of nature and orderly expectations of cause and effect. How then can we place our trust into God when choosing how to live on a daily basis?

I remain convinced that faith is a personal choice and spiritual experience, buttressed by tradition and the testimony of countless witness throughout the ages.  Much is made of differences within scripture (for example, the different perspectives offered on similar events by authors of various Gospels) but in my opinion too little credit is given to the remarkable consistency among biblical accounts.  Other writers have researched the topic thoroughly, but my understanding is that the volume and agreement among various existing ancient manuscripts of Scripture is unparalleled in historical documentary accounts. For me, however, faith is ultimately a question of what I believe and have experienced. I think this was also true for Joseph, who I am using as a model of faith in this series of blog posts.

Matthew 1-2 describes his experiences when preparing for marriage to Mary.  For today's reflection, 1:20 highlights a personal experience which demonstrates the impact faith had on his life.  When he had determined to end his engagement to Mary after learning of her pregnancy, an angel appeared to him in a dream and challenged his decision. The angel told him not to be afraid, to move ahead with the wedding, and reassured him that Jesus was part of God's will (for his own life as well as humanity's salvation). Joseph lived out his faith, and Joseph became part of the story of God's redemptive plan.

My own life has obviously not been as dramatically impacted, and will never have the kind of far-reaching implications depicted here.  However, on the smaller scale of one Appalachian farmboy's life, I am also convinced that the supernatural has crowded into my life choices at times as well.  One event which changed the trajectory of my life came at a typical crossroads.  I was attending NCSU as a freshman when I felt called into ministry, and my life has taken a far different (and more rewarding) direction since accepting this call.  I will always remember attending an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship meeting, where the speakers were talking about missions, ministry and faith.  They were emphasizing the missionary "Caleb project" at this meeting, and while I did not sense a calling into missions work I did get an overwhelming sense that God was calling me into vocational ministry.  Through a series of discussions, encouragement from my pastor in Raleigh, and information from my denominational school (Lee University), I made the decision to transfer for my sophomore year.  This experience in the spring of 1990 led to a change in location, college and career.  Other events and experiences have also helped shape my life's path and reinforced my faith at important points of my faith journey (experiencing anger at God for some losses in my life, while coming to Job 38-39 in my daily devotional reading, was quite the humbling experience).  I am convinced that God cares for and directs human lives, if we will commit our ways in trust to him.  The paths He leads us along are much more rewarding (though usually involving sacrifice) than we can devise in our own limited understanding.  Faith is an essential part of becoming a better man.

Review of "Growing up Amish"

I have recently been exploring the topic of Christian masculinity on this blog, and intend to continue addressing faith, courage and wisdom in future posts.  However, I recently read a book which I would like to share a few thoughts about, and am interjecting this review for this week's post.

I discovered the book "Growing up Amish" while shopping this past week. I was in Sam's Club to pick up some milk, etc. and as I wandered the aisles for a few moments I decided to browse for a book to read.  This particular book appealed to me, as I know very little about the faith and culture of the "simple" lifestyle practiced by some of patients and families I encounter as a hospital chaplain.  In my service in Michigan and Indiana, I have met Amish, Mennonite and German Baptist families, and have been intrigued by some of the customs, dress, family and church support structures, etc. As I read a few paragraphs from the book, I thought it might offer a window into the culture and faith represented by the title.  I also enjoy biographies, and it quickly became apparent that this was the early life story of a man who was sharing his journey and struggle to develop an individual life and faith incorporating elements of his youthful milieu and "rebellious" elements of a self-chosen path.

"Growing up Amish" is the memoir of Ira Wagler, the son of a widely-known writer within the Amish community.  As he grew up in his large family and strict culture, Ira rebelled at various points in his life.  He left his Iowa home at 17 to work as a cowboy on a Nebraska ranch, but returned to his home, family and church.  Several more episodes of leaving, but being drawn back, occurred before his final breach with the Amish church and culture at the age of 26.  He refers to the 20+ years which have passed since that breach in the epilogue, but the book is primarily the story of a young Amish boy who becomes a man with a deep but separate faith from his early influence.

I did find some of the insights into the faith and culture that I had hoped for, and think it will prove useful in my chaplaincy interactions with some of our patients and families.  Ira provides a helpful background to the German Anabaptist roots of the Amish tradition, and offers his personal criticisms of some of the dry stoicism balanced with a respect for the strength of tradition and interdependence.  He is able to honestly share his frustrations with some of the lengthy, boring services he attended without losing sight of the generosity and care exhibited by the close-knit communities. I learned more about the "Rumspringa," or "running around" time some Amish youth experience after turning 16.  I also found the ministerial selection process of the community described here both fascinating and troubling. Additional details were also provided about the tradition of utilizing a horse and buggy for local transportation, but having an openness to hiring "English" drivers to transport people and goods long distances by automobile when necessary.  I first encountered this practice in Michigan, when an Amish child came into our ED after a farming accident.  The Amish community was a couple of hours' drive from our facility, and the child required inpatient admission.  I was vaguely aware of the horse-and-buggy tradition, and decided to ask if transportation would be problematic during the hospital stay.  The family politely thanked me for my concern, but informed me that they had hired a driver who would stay with them as needed, and would return if necessary as well. I was hopeful that this apparent contradiction between refusing to own an automobile, but riding in one when needed, would be explained further.  I do think I have a better understanding of the principled but pragmatic stance of the community after reading this book. While this was not a doctrinal treatise of the Amish church, the references permeating this account do give me a richer understanding of the traditions and practices, which I think will be useful to me in ministry.

My greatest benefit, however, was the pleasure of reading an enjoyable biographical account of a man coming of age and struggling with his relationships with family, friends and God.  His stories of hard work on the farm, family joys and disagreements, and romantic relationships and struggles resonated deeply with my own life experiences.  I appreciated the openness and simplicity of the author's voice, and felt that I was being invited into a conversation about his life and faith.

I would recommend the book highly, especially to other readers interested in biography, faith and simple lifestyles.

Christian Masculinity: Compassion

In my last post, I asked "What is a man?" and referred to 4 characteristics that I think are essential for Christian masculinity.  In this entry, I intend to explore the first one more thoroughly, "Compassion."


The example of Joseph in Matthew 1-2 provides insight into what a man can and should be.  My faith leads me to believe that God was quite particular about the man who would be primarily responsible for modeling human masculinity to the incarnate Christ, and we can learn from the hints we are given in the few passages of Scripture which refer to Joseph's character.  Early in Jesus' story, we learn that Joseph was betrothed to Mary.  As they were preparing for the wedding, Joseph learned that his beloved was pregnant.


How would you respond?  Joseph may have been hurt, angry and could have sought revenge or to publicly shame her.  However, Mt. 1:19 states that he was "a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, (he) planned to send her away secretly."  My interpretation is that Joseph was capable of understanding the implications of publicly revealing her apparent unfaithfulness, and cared for her safety and needs even while refusing to continue the process of joining as a family.  In short, it appears to me that Joseph was neither a weakling who would place himself in a position of continuing to be wronged, nor was he a vengeful man who required public satisfaction for an apparent wrong suffered.


I am convinced that living as a man in relationship with God provides peace and strength to endure difficult circumstances, but is not a promise that we will never experience pain. We can choose to care for those around us, and extend our hands and hearts without a guarantee of reciprocity or safety. As C.S. Lewis is quoted as saying,

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one,

not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe 

in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change.

It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,

impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vulnerable."

There is a powerful temptation for men, especially independent men in the Western world, to be the "strong, silent type." We watch movies about John Wayne, Dirty Harry or John McClane and think a "real man" should be a lone cowboy or a tough cop, capable of taking care of himself and those around him without needing assistance from anyone or anything.  However, this view directly contradicts the clear teaching and doctrine of the Christian faith. 

I Corinthians 12 refers to the church as the "body of Christ," and clearly teaches the interdependence on one another we must have to accurately reflect the love of Christ in our daily lives. V. 14 states that "the body is not one member, but many" and subsequent verses use examples from the human body to state that we need one another just as surely as the eye needs the ear to function to maximum potential.  V. 26 indicates that "if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; and if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it."

What would happen in our churches, our places of work, our families and our individual lives if we lived closer to this ideal of interdependence?  Of course some people will let us down at times, and we will also find ourselves failing to live up to the needs of those around us frequently. Humanity is flawed. Nevertheless, I am convinced that seeking to live according to the principle of accepting our interdependence, and reaching out with compassion, will lead us on the path to a more abundant life.  Risking greatly, and living with vulnerability, can help us to discover the truth expressed in Matthew 16:25- "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

Compassion enables a man to love boldly, serving as a living witness of God's sacrificial love.  In future posts, I will share additional thoughts about faith, courage and wisdom as essential attributes of Christian masculinity.